Northern Version of Caddyshack

I had to share this note about our garden in 2009. We've come a long way since then.

I have a small garden with a couple dozen lettuce plants, peas, cukes, tomatoes, italian peppers, and kitchen herbs. I struggled this spring to get the garden in with all of the cold nights and our several late season frosts. I've been very pleased with the progress to date. Then it happened, I woke up one morning to four heads of romaine lettuce totally missing with the exception of 1/2 inch of core and the roots still intact.

This time of year begins to bring the fruits of our hard labor to the table. It also brings the fruits of our hard labor to our friend, the woodchuck. Call this wonderful, cute creature whatever you like; woodchuck, groundhog, marmota monax. He may be cute on February 2 when we haven't seen him all winter and he sticks his head up to let us know if another six weeks of winter is to be expected. But during the sunny days of July he is no thrill. I am sure that I'm not the only peaceful home gardener screaming that these creatures are too crafty.

I realized that "Chucky" had taken up residence and found two borough openings on the rear side of our shed. I fled to the internet to find a humane solution for our co-existence. Let's try moth flakes. By the time I got to Wal-Mart and back, there were now four holes. I had hoped that I had purchased enough to do all four holes. I poured some in the first hole and discovered two offspring and (I guess I've renamed her "Chicka") making a beeline out of the den and out from underneath the other end of the shed. I continued to pour the moth flakes in each borough with wishful thinking. Next morning, a few more lettuce plants, some peas were and a few tomato plants were nibbled back.

Still wanting to handle this humanely, I did more research on the internet. This time it was a trip to Tractor Supply for a HavAHeart trap. The trap was set up with all of the perfect delectable that any woodchuck in his/her right mind would love. The trap was hidden in an over-sized bed of hostas and I even put some hosta leaves on the bottom of the trap to help disguise it. I retired for the evening in hopes of finding a healthy catch in the morning. Guess what? "Chicka" had pulled the hosta leaves out of the trap like they were blue-plate specials. My garden was also not spared.

I began talking feverously to friends and neighbors as to how this situation should be handled. Many had said that human urine on the boroughs will make them run for the hills. Ah hah!!!!!!! This one I can handle without killing the pocketbook. I rummaged through some boxes in the basement for the old enamel pee pot to put it to good use for the day and into the evening. Before bedtime, I followed "old-timer" instructions and emptied it onto the openings. "Chicka" and her family were not happy about the invasion of the den and scurried out....only to run to the other side of my home and proceed to leave the same present on my back porch.

Okay, I resorted to smoke bombs. It works for one or two evenings and then they just borough back in. I've had daily flashbacks of Bill Murray in the hit movie "Caddyshack" as he struggled against the naughty nature, the likes of our new tenant, as the fairways and greens at Bushwood Country Club were filled, flooded and smoked out. The northern version of this is not far off.

I've learned in a short time the following:
Woodchucks like cukes, tomatoes, lettuce, peas, peppers, pumpkins, broccoli, beans, cabbage, clover, and some flowers. They grow between 16 and 20 inches long and weigh up to 10 pounds. They should be circus performers because they are not stopped by fences...they just go over or under. I personally cannot perform "lead-poisoning" on them and I will probably call a professional to find "Chicka" and her little ones a new home in hopes that they will not have told their relatives that their home is empty and available.